I do not talk much about this because it is not something that makes me feel proud. I do not have many memories of my mother. For some reason it is as if my brain put them inside a casket with a lock and bury them in the deepest shadows of my soul. Sometimes they emerge and touch the surface.
My mother had me at a very young age and I always remember her telling me all the things she could have done in life if she did not had me. Quickly, I learned to smile at other people even when I knew that last night my parents had a big fight and dinner ended up as a work of art, smeared on the walls.
The worst part was when I was 13.
Her thirties came like a hurricane and destroyed all of our family. We became very distant. She not longer talked to me. I became this lonely girl. Oh how I wanted to leave that house! It never felt like home again.
I moved in with my dad. But my relationship with my mother died. It died the day I saw her betraying my father. That day she was not my mother anymore, she was a stranger. I remember going into my room, locking myself up and crying a river as my heart was breaking into millions of pieces. I was not sure if I could ever be able to mend it back. She never talked to me again. I tried to keep myself busy and not to think on her. She disappeared. She did not went to my graduation, baptism or wedding. And to be fully honest, I did not missed her... I missed having a motherly figure when a boy broke my heart, when I was having a bad period or when I wanted to have a girl talk. It was the little things that I missed the most, the things that I never had.
It's been years since it happened. But when someone tells me how happy my mother must be with the new addition to our family, I simply nod while I can hear a little crack in my heart. 'I will never know'.
I do not know where she is, I just assume she is happy. It took us sometime to build our family up again but we did it.
Somehow her absence makes me feel in lack of the maternal virtues. I just keep telling myself that I can do it. I can be a good mother, made my baby feel safe and loved and never ever leave.
I love my husband and our baby. I will never leave them because that's what mothers do.
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